Ma’Gyver

It occurred to me in the car this afternoon, on the way to go rape and pillage the summer sales in town (more on that later), that I have reached a new milestone in mummy-hood.

I think I shall call it...

plansomethingeverydayoftheweeksothehoursathomedontseemsomindnumbinglysuffocating

Did ‘ya catch that? Oh, you’re not proficient at reading 76 letter words? Poor you. I have mad skillz in that department.

I’ll break it down for those of you with brains the size of clams (joking)..

My new, invisible mama badge is awarded to me (by me) for...cue the orchestra....Making Mama-Baby Social Plans Like A Socialite On Speed. Seriously, if Sticky Baby shrunk to 1/4 of his current size, grew a tail, barked and made a Louis Vuitton bag his home, I could totally be the brunette version of Paris Hilton. Except nicer. And with undies firmly on whilst getting out of cars.

So yes, as I was saying, Sticky Baby and I make plans for play dates, pool parties, beach walks, breakfasts out, afternoon trampoline sessions and the like most days of the week.  He’s at an age where staying at home just doesn’t cut it. Not enough stimulation for the lad, despite our entire living room having the capacity to light up, squeak, honk, or play a satanically high-pitched version of some wacky nursery rhyme. Sit on the sofa and before you know it some fluorescent toy playing Row Your Boat is half way up your wazoo.

Stimulation is necessary for this child. He’s not one of those baby blobs (I say that affectionately) that is happy sitting in a bouncer for the duration of three consecutive Oprah episodes. Sweet Hay-zuse, that would be so good. I would love me a baby blob... But the great G.O.D above had different plans for me and instead I am the proud owner mother of a busy, buzzy, stuck-on-fast-forward, fridge-climbing, commando-crawling, tap dancing (I swear, that’s next on his list) baby boy. Perhaps I had an illicit affair with the Energizer Bunny that has been swiped from my memory....

So outings are a requirement for a good day. No outings/too many hours stuck in the house and Sticky Baby turns into Damien from The Omen. One to two excursions per day and the little dude has a perma-halo hovering above his blonde noggin. Sweet angel.

The trick to setting up play dates is to firmly encrust yourself in other mums’ lives. Befriend them, pay them compliments, tell them how cute their kids are. Bribe them with bottomless cups of tea, chocolate muffins, babysitting exchange. Stalk them if you must. ‘Cause when you have a good group of women with restraining orders against you friends, every day is a happy, adventurous, fulfilling day for mama and bub.

Shall I give you an example of my week?

Monday - Post office and market with friend #1 and her bub + b’day present shopping at the mall in afternoon. Baby shopaholic in the making. Sticky Baby ♥ shopping trolleys 4EVA.
Tuesday - Sticky Baby and Papadada off on 'boyz club' adventure to mechanics. Afternoon tea with friend #2 for me! Cupcakes and Earl Gray tea make me a better mother.
Wednesday - Morning play date at our house with friend #3, followed by a 3 hour long afternoon play date at friend #4’s house. That’s an obscenely long play date, in case you didn’t know.
Thursday - Sticky Baby at ‘school’ = No stalking required.
Friday - Breakfast play date at friend #5’s house followed by afternoon b’day party at friend #6’s house.

See what I mean? Stalking totally pays off.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, there’s not much to do in our little part of France, so you 'godda use your imagination a little. I can do with friends+babies+social activities what McGyver can do with string+can-opener+clove of garlic.

Ta-da! Ma’Gyver! Get it?

End Note: In effect, I didn’t really rape and pillage the sales racks in town. But I did nab myself a truly amazeballs pair of wedges that were a whopping 50% off.  Tan leather with patent bronze accents. Sa-weet deal. Will go so well with the soggy rice cereal that they’re bound to get smothered in..Not so sweet deal.....