That feeling

Dear Bub-bub,


Your daddy generously let me sleep in this morning. At 8am, I padded lightly down the stairs to join the two of you. The minute I saw you, something big in me shifted. Boom! And there it is....


Today is the first day that I look at you and see a little boy, not a baby.  I thought it would be so subtle, watching you grow, but this morning, that feeling in me went off like a switch. Yesterday, baby. Today, toddler. Black and white. Day and night. How big a difference twelve hours can make! You looked up at me, said, ‘Mumum’, extended your little arms upwards and sat on my hip like you do each and every day, although this time, you were my big boy, no longer my little baby (you’ll always be my baby, but you know what I mean). 


After a delicious cuddle, I popped you back down and off you went, zooming around on all fours, playing with your trucks, walking with your baby walker, taking a sip from your water bottle. How grown up you are! It’s like you’re finally comfortable with this big world of ours. You know how things work. You know the rhythm of our days, what to expect next, how you fit in. 


I look at you and realise what a tremendous space you occupy in our lives. The biggest of them all. When you were a tiny baby, a newborn, even several months old, the pieces of our family jigsaw puzzle were still gently sliding over one another, gaging where and how they would best fit together. Now? Those three puzzle pieces are fused, locked into place, as if they had never, ever been separate pieces at all. 


Everything about being your mum makes sense to me now, more than ever. Waking up at 7am is normal and comfortable. Thinking ahead, preparing your food, folding your clothes, kissing you goodnight - actions that are all so organic these days. This is what it means to be a mother. This is what it feels like. This deep, grounding, warm, humming feeling that lives somewhere between my heart, my chest and my belly. 


I can feel it glowing right now. 


Je t’aime,


Mumum